Which vampire ate the three bears' porridge? Ghouldilocks.
The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for Santa reading his paper. Santa peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me f**k you for a fifty rupee?" "Certainly not!" exclaimed young lady, and Santa returned to his paper. A short while later Santa looked across again and said "Would you let me f**k you for ten thousand rupees?" After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again Santa returned to his newspaper. A few minutes later Santa asked "Would you let me f**k you for Rs 20?" "Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?" "We`ve already established that" replied Santa, "We`re just haggling over the price!"
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic.
What is Chuck Norris' "best karate move"? Pork Chop!
A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace.
He sat down and asked his mate what happened."Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend."Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the chick and said, 'Lady, does this look like yours? ' And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"
Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's well-oiled economic machine. It's only a mater of time before that powerful engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.
What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically debilitating - and permanent.
Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York! The decline has begun.
Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.
S. ratio of one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000 engineers. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.
But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.
If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our costliest surplus commodity?
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain andAbel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boysasked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ateus out of house and home."
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?" "No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room."You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Once as Laloo was coming out of airport, there was huge rush and the security guard told him, "Wait Please." To which Laloo replied, "65 kgs," and moved on.
A saxophone is like a lawsuit.
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
What do you get if you cross a constable with a computer? PC Plod.
A newcomer to the political scene was campaigning in thebackwoods for the Loksabha elections Outside a ramshacklehouse, he saw Banta milking a cow. He approached him,ready to make his pitch for a vote. Just as he was getting started, Santa called frominside the house. "Oye, Banteya, get in the house. And who is thatguy you are talking to?" "Says he is a politician" Banta said. "In that case, you do better bring the cow inside withyou."
A political man to a woman, "You look beautiful today! ! ! !"The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I could not say the same about you.""Sure you could! !" said the political man, "if you could lie as well as I do!"
A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle me Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her that she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes. On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed that she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two----Test----Tickles."
Why do pigs never recover from illness ? Because you have to kill them before you cure them !
Santa in a restaurant orders the house special. An old waiter brings out the order beginning with some hot soup. Santa notices the waiter has his thumb in the soup. Feeling sorry for the old man he doesn`t mention it, and leaves the soup uneaten. When he brings the main course his thumb is in the potatoes. Then in the coffee. Finally, he angrily asks the waiter why he has his thumb in all his hot food. The waiter says, "I have arthritis and the doctor told me to keep it in something warm." Santa says, "why don`t you stick it up your ass!" And the waiter says , "I do that in the kitchen!"
Knock Knock Who's there! Arfur! Arfur who? Arfur got!
Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons ? A: From dating blonde men
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
Q. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as? ................
A. Speed bumps
What game do four elephants in a mini play?
Why did the 3-legged dog go back to Dodge City? To see who shot his "paw."
Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
At dinner, Seth said to his father, "Dad, I got into trouble at school today and it's all your fault.""How's that?" asked the master of the house."Remember I asked you how much $500,000 was?""Yeah, I remember.""Well, 'a helluva lot' ain't the right answer."
What makes an ideal present for a monster? Five pairs of gloves one for each hand.
What did the customer say to the pet shop assistant after buying a bunny?
Rabbit up nicely, it's a gift!
What kind of dog wears a uniform and medals ?
A guard dog !
How can you tell if a bee is on the phone? You get a buzzy signal.
Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.
Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong? Because the rest are weekdays.
What do you call an oversize motorcycle for pigs? A hog hog.
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.
Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?""Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"
Why is an elephant braver than a hen ?
Because the elephant isn't chicken !
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news? Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
Knock Knock Who's there! Bridget! Bridget who? Bridget the end of the world!
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?" The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
The police are looking for a thief with one eye Why don't they use two?
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion?
It had a lot of hare pins!
Knock Knock Who's there! Caesar! Caesar who? Caesar quickly before she gets away!