Latest Top Random
What is a polygon ?
A dead parrot !
"I am worried that I am losing my wife s love," the husband told the Counsellor. "Has she started to neglect you?" "Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she s a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex or says she has a headache." "So what is the problem?" "Maybe I am just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I am sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, Die! Die, you son of a bitch!
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing atthe counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with heartsall over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all overthem.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man andasks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cardssigned, 'Guess who? '""But why?" asks the man."I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
The parrots eat em all (Paracetamol)
Two accountants were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's new secretaries. "I just don't get it." said one. "She's an airhead -- nothing going on upstairs."That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on."
Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost
Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don't work.
What business is King Kong in? Monkey business.
The kids are crazy about a new piglet toy. When they wind it up, it eats all the spinach off their plates.
Q: What did the emu say to the nurse? A: Mend her bones or walk the plank
Do you know what a mice said when it saw a bat? Mom! I see an angel.
What did the parrot say when he was using the Internet?
Cs of eight, P.
Cs of eight.
One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today.
It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."
Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want.
Who is the smelliest, hairiest monarch in the world? King Pong.
What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim ?
An octopuss !
Girl to Mom: when I see the neighbour's son, my bra tightens. Mom: Next time, don't wear the bra, his pant would tighten
When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physicianexamined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery. The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery."How long will he be on crutches?" she asked. "Crutches???" the doctor asked "Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
Two guys were walking along a road in Georgia when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop.
One guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked down an embankment.
The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
How are you going to pay the Chihuahua who helped you to set up your computer? With dog diskettes!
Reasons why a normal Car is a far superior vehicle than a F1 Car"Hundreds of people and tens of millions of dollars go into building an F1 car, but a normal car is a far superior vehicle. You wonder what goes through those guys' minds when design their cars. THEY'RE ALL WRONG! ! ! !" No door... I mean, people have to climb in. Actually, ANYBODY can climb in and steal it. Pffft! No roof... The people who drive these things are left open to the elements. Like, even convertible cars have something you can pull over your head. No radio (AM and FM), no cassette nor CD player... how boring it must be to drive in those things for close to two hours without having anything to listen to. No heating... Being left open to the elements, the drivers' toes must become very cold after a while. No coffee cup holder... Those guys can spill all the hot (and dangerous stuff) over themselves. What with them steering with one hand and trying to drink with the other. No ashtrays and electric lighter... No windshield wipers... and they expect them to race in the rain? No windshields... Well, I guess no. 7 and 8 go hand in hand. No turn signals... How can they indicate they intend to pass? No headlights... No wonder they only drive in the day time. Only one brake light... Only one seat... How can a guy go necking with his girlfriend at the local drive in? No anchor for a baby seat... And they are trying to make us believe that safety comes first? No trunk... No adjustable seats... (mine goes back and forth, and can be tilted as well) High fuel consumption... Engines that don't last... Tyres that just wear off in no time flat... Where's the bloody ignition? I guess it's back to the old Model T days when the cars had to be crank started. No sun visor... Must be fun driving those things with the sun in the eyes. Talk about accidents waiting to happen.
What do you get if you take a really big dog out for a walk ?
A Great Dane out !
Why was the lion-tamer fined ? He parked on a yellow lion !
A bus stops and this old lady gets off and complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed, and the driver thinks nothing of it; the bus comes to another stop and another old lady gets off and complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed and the driver thinks nothing of it, then the bus comes to another stop and this old man gets off and says to the driver "I lost my taupe and thought I found it twice then realized mine is parted down the side, and the two I saw were parted down the middle!"
Tad answered the Tennessee State frat house phone. "Hi," said the voice, "this is Rollie. Come on over, we're having a real wildass party." "Shit, Ah'd shore love to," said Tad, "but Ah got me a bad case of gonorrhea." "Bring it along!" answered Rollie. "The way thangs is goin', mah buddies'll drink anythin'!"
Santa and Banta were coming up in an inlet in the motor boat when they saw another boat loaded with fish. Seeing as how their luck had been awful today, Santa asked the fisherman what his secret was. The fisherman replied, "Just go out to sea till the water is fresh. Then stop there and drop your line. You will get a huge haul of fish there !" Excited, Santa fired up the motor and headed out to sea. When they got a little way out, he told Banta to fill up a bucket and taste the water. Banta complied and said, "It is salty - not fresh!" So Santa went further out and told Banta to taste the water again after some time. Banta replied, "It is still salty!" And so they went out further. This went on for hours and every time Banta replied that the water was salty. Finally, it was starting to get dark and they were in the middle of nowhere, when Santa asked Banta to taste the water one last time. Banta replied, "But Santa, there is no more water left in the bucket.
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.
So, he hired a famous Chinese detective,
Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report anyactivities that might develop. A few days later,he received this report: Most honorable sir: You leave house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree-look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see. No Fee.
Sent by Marina
The waitress walks up to one of her tables and is shocked to see three Japanese men, all sat there masturbating violently. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" she screams. One of the Japanese guys looks up and says, "Well, it says on the menu, First come, First served!"
The Italian colonel had his brigade arrayed in full parade dress, proudly ready for inspection by the general. That worthy warrior strolled back and forth before the troops, and sniffed and stopped abruptly. "Colonel!" he spat out. "Yes, general!" the colonel quavered. "Your troops, your troops," stormed the general. "They look very nice, they stand very nice, but they stink, man, they stink! Can't you get them to change their underwear?"He strode away furiously. The colonel sniffed for himself. "The general, yes, he's right. Now, Luigi change with Guiseppi, Carlo change with Giovanni..."
A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."But the blonde insisted saying, "No. A bet's a bet."Then the redhead said "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"
How did the blonde burn her nose? Bobbing for french fries.
Chanowski & his other Polak drinking buddy are sitting at a bar . " See those guys over there ?" Chanowski says." I'm going over there and ask them what they think of Polaks." Chanowki walks up to the two guys sitting at the other end of the bar and asks them what they think of Polaks. One of the men gives Chanowski the finger. The middle finger. Chanowski then walks back to his drinking buddy. " Well , what do they think of Polaks?" he asks. "We're still number one , " replies Chanowski.
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool! !
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?"Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglassesin the distance?
Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.
What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?"Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years.
Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides.
Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch.
And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement.
The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars.
So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could.
Heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back the air port. "I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?""Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager.
How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry about having soap flakes for breakfast?
He foamed at the mouth.
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