Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Fred's test paper.
Pupil: I hope you didn't see me either!
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins,to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentlessworld-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied,"Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificatesfiled and since both you and your wife were unconscious,
I named them for you."The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has hedone now?" and said with trepidation,"Well what did you name them?"The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"The brother replied, "Denephew."
Q: Why does a dog wag it's tail? - A: No one else will do it for them
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball.
A3: There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke.
A4: You don't eat your bowling ball.
Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Three guys were trying to sneak into the Asian Games Village at Busan, South Korea to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let`s watch the registration table to see if there`s a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Fan Zhiyi. China. Shotput."He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Fan Zhiyi. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chang Koehan. North Korea. Javelin."The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Koehan. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!" The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Hidetoshi Nakata. Japan. Discus." The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Nakata. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself." They scamper in, but suddenly realize that Banta is missing. They forgot to make sure he doesn`t do something stupid and blow their cover stories. Just then Santa walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Banta. Hoshiarpur, Punjab. FENCING."
Why was the hen banned from sending e-mails? She was always using fowl language.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who hijacked a submarine? A: She demanded $200,000 and a parachute.
Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called? A: The whine cellar.
Mr. Horntoot admitted to his wife that he was feeling muchbetter since his operation, but couldn't account for theenormous bump on the back of his head."Oh, that," chuckled Mrs. Horntoot. "Just before youroperation they suddenly ran out of ether!"
A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5000. and the interest which is $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us , is why would you bother to borrow $5000?" The woman replied, "Where else in New York, can I park my car for 2 weeks for $15.00?"
Kids can sometimes ask the toughest questions.
Son: Father, Can I ask you a question? Father: Ok ask.
Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor.
Father: ! ! ! ? ? ? ? ? ? ! ! !
What do cows like to listen to? Moo-sic!
The American in Hong Kong was talking to his wife one evening over supper. "Get this..." he chuckled, "That ridiculous janitor of ours claims he's made love to every woman in the building except one." "Hmmmmmmmmm," said his wife, assuming a thoughtful faraway type expression, "must be that stuck-up Mrs. Stewart on the eighth floor."
Q: What do you call two spiders who just got married? A: Newlywebs.
The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna be weighed," shesaid. So the young man took her over to the weight guessed. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl.
A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years?
A: Unite the Republican Party.
How many seasons are there in a dogs life ?
Just one, the moulting season !
A 90 year man finally gets to see a Dr. and the dr. asks him what the problem is, the man says he wants the Dr. to lower his sex drive. The Dr. is taken aback a bit but finally asks the man, just how old are you? The man answers I am 90. The Dr., still a little confused says you are 90, and you want your sex drive lowered? Yes said the man, it's all in my head and I want you to lower it.
What is an elephants favourite film ?
My girlfriend told me to give her 12 inches and make ithurt!..................
So I Fucked her 3 times and then hit her with a baseball bat.
What did one dairy cow say to another?
Mother: How do you like your new teacher ? Son: I don't. She told me to sit up the front for the present and then she didn't give me one !
A man-eating tiger is rampant in a region of Garhwal(a region in India). Two famous hunters- Santa and Banta are called to hunt the beast down. 10 days go by with no luck. This is when Banta decides to change his hunting plan. Says Banta,"Main gaa de khal pa ke jaana, pher sher menu khaan aavega, te main us nu maar davan ga" (I`ll hide inside a cow`s hide, and shoot the tiger thru it`s mouth when it comes to eat me) So Banta leaves for the Jungle hiding inside the cow hide, with his rifle sticking out of the cows mouth. A day goes by, no sign of Banta, a week later Santa gets worried, and a search party is sent to find him. They do find him ... stripped off his camouflage ... lying face first on the ground. The rifle is lying a few feet away. Santa is worried, he runs up to Banta ... gives him a shake and asks, "kee hoya Banteya ... Sher aaya se"?(What happened Babta,
Did the tiger come?) Banta`s feeble response is "phenchod Sher taan nahin aaya ... par eh das ... Saand kene khulla chadya si?" (Tiger didn`t show up, but tell me ... who left the Bull loose?)
Q: Why did the pony have a sore throat? A: Because he was a little horse
Knock Knock Who's there? Cigarette! Cigarette who? Cigarette life if you don't weaken!
"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!" "Do you drink a lot?" "Not really - I spill most of it!"
Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.
Justice: A decision in your favor.
whats the differance between a camera and a sock? ? ? A camera takes photos and a sock takes 5 toes...
Q: Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A: For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving
A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Ourengines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I amunable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never berescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if notfor the rest of our lives. A few minutes later the plane lands safely onthe island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, didwe pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?" No Morris!" she responded.
Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?" "Oy no, I forgot to send the check! !" Now Morris laughs. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our TempleBuilding Fund check this month?" "Oy Morris I forgot that one too!" Now Morris is practically choking with laughter. Esther asks Morris,"So what are you smiling and laughing about? Morris responds, "They'll find us."
Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on Earth are you takingso long to make this shot?""My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one," said Bob."Good Lord," said David, "you haven't got a chance of hitting her from here."
How are lawyers like sperm? One out of a million turns out to be a human being.
At The Superbowl Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "no". Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it? !" The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "That's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?" "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."
Why do blondes like blonde jokes? It makes them feel popular.
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.
The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
Two men are having an awfully slow round ofgolf because the two ladies in front of themmanaged to get into every sand trap, lake, andrough on the course, and they didn't bother towave the men on through, which is proper golfetiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one mansaid, "I think I'll walk up there and ask thosegals to let us play through." He walked out tothe fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped,turned around and came back, explaining, "I can'tdo it. One of those women is my wife and the otheris my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfwaythere and, just as his partner had done, stopped,turned around and walked back.
He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small World!"