A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.""I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.""For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
Good News, Bad News, Worse News VII Good: The postman's early Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47 Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas
The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?"The husband looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating!"
If Wang made toasters...
Marketing would never agree upon what customers really wantor need in a toaster so millions of dollars would be spentin development and the toaster would be several years late.
Just after release Wang would buy another company whosetoaster ran on NT but would find that they got more ordersfor the original.
Little Johnny is in the bathroom taking a pee when the toilet seat falls down on top of his penis. He starts screaming and crying. His mom comes running into the room wondering what's going on. He tells his mother "Mommy, the toilet seat fell on top of my penis. Kiss it better.""Johnny you are getting more and more like your father everyday."His mother says.
A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. "Is anyone interested in a little wager?" he said, flashing some large bills around. "I've got $500.00 here that says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards right down the middle . . . every time!" Everyone in the pro-shop started laughing. After a moment, the newest pro at the club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up, "I gotta see this!" he said. "You know, what? I'll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first tee." When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee the trainer led the gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in the ground. The gorilla did the rest. Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear out of sight. When the ball finally came to rest it was on the green -- 6 inches from the cup. The pro was astonished. "That's incredible!" he exclaimed. "How did you train him to hit the ball like that!" There's no need for me to tee off. I couldn't beat him with a stick. Here's your money." As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the trainer and said, "Oh, by the way, how does he putt?" The trainer responded, "Just like he drives: 500 yards. Right down the middle. Every time."
A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.
She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.
A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to her lawyer, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," lawyer replied, "Ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that easy question."
Young Judy, the editor of a trivia publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Prem, the computer guy, over to her desk. Prem clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?"And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error."A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face. "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again? ?"He gave her a grin... ;-)"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?""No," replied Judy."Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."(She wrote...)I D 1 0 T
Santa is Flying from Moscow to Delhi. To his surprise, sitting right beside him is Gary Kasporov, the world Chess Champion. Santa has always been in awe of Chess players, and immediately starts up a conversation with Gary about the Nuances of the Game etc. Gary says ... "How would You like to Play me for $500 US"? Santa: "But you are too damn good". Gary: "I will play left handed". Santa can not resist the bet and accepts. Kasparov, Check Mates our Santa in 8 Moves ....... Santa is still scratching his head, as he leaves the airplane. Upon Reaching Amritsar, Santa tells Banta about the game he had with Kasparov. Banta: "Tu bhi pura buddhu hai Santa". (You are an absolute fool Santa) Santa: "kyon" (why)? Banta: "Abe khote....... Gary Kasparov Khabbu hai". (You donkey, Gary Kasparov is a lefty, no wonder he beat you left handed).
What do you get when you cross a pig with an elephant? A very large animal that knows a lot of jokes.
The pro football team had just finished theirdaily practice session when a large turkey camestrutting onto the field.
While the players gazed in amazement, the turkeywalked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caughtpass after pass and ran right through the defensiveline.
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, thecoach shouted, "You're terrific! ! ! Sign up forthe season, and I'll see to it that you get ahuge bonus.""Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I wantto know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
Q: How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison? A: Shoot one.
In Canada Santa earned enough money to buy himself a brand new car. He drove out of the sales depot with an L-plate on the car. As the car zig-zagged down the main highway, a traffic cop picked him up, "Why are you going from one side of the road to the other?" he demanded. "I am learning how to drive," replied Santa "You have to have a driving teacher beside you. May I see your licence?" Santa pulled out an envelope from his pocket and replied, "Here, I am learning driving by correspondence."
What animal always goes to bed with its shoes on ? A horse !
Where do astronauts leave their spaceships? At parking meteors.
Mom's Brownies RecipeRemove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no." Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards. Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail. Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill. Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away. Frosting Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr in playpen. Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes. Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet. Tie Billy to clothesline. Remove burned brownies from oven
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked. "No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
The medical student was asked four reasons why mother'smilk was better for babies than cow's milk. This is the answer he submitted: 1. It's fresher. 2. It's cleaner. 3. The cats can't get to it. 4. It's easier to take on a picnic. He also added: "It comes in such cute containers."
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
On the occasion of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob decided to forego a big party and treat Linda-Sue to a memorable evening at home.
Quietly filling the bathtub with champagne, he called her into the bathroom and they spent a sensual evening soaking in the tub by candlelight.
When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he couldn't let all thatexpensive champagne go to waste, so he carefully poured it back into theempty bottles. However, when he was finished, he found he had nearly a half-bottle too much.
He screamed to his wife, "Linda-Sue, you NASTY BITCH, you DIDN'T? ! ?"
What's a monsters favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet
It seems that Ken Starr is dropping all sexual allegations against President Clinton. It all stems from the Paula Jones case. The spokesperson remarked that it would be impossible for a woman witha six inch nose to give a blow job to a person with a three inch dick.
IMPORTANT NEWS TO ALL GUYS THAT GO OUT TO CLUBS OR BARS Men, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from girl. Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends. Girlfriends, take heed! ! There is a new drug that is in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is that the drug is available virtually anywhere! It goes by the street name "Beer". All girls have to do is buy a "Beer" or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.
What's hairy, dangerous and only surfs the Net when there's a full moon? The www.erewolf.
A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about anurgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to theyoungster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?""Yes," whispered the small voice."May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"Yes," came the answer."May I talk with her?"Again the small voice whispered, "No."Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left homealone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the personwho should be there watching over the child."Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child."Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the bossasked, "May I speak with the policeman?""No, he's busy," whispered the child."Busy doing what?" asked the boss."Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whisperedanswer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like ahelicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "Whatis that noise?""A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice."What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, "The search teamjust landed the hello-copper."Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the bossasked, "What are they searching for?"Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffledgiggle, "Me."
What do you get if you cross a sports reporter with a vegetable ? A common tater !
Dentist: There goes the only woman I ever loved.
Assistant: Why don't you marry her? Dentist: I can't afford to. She's my best patient.
How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
What do you call a 100 spiders on a tyre ?
A spinning wheel !
A story I'll tell of a burglar boldWho started to rob a house;He opened the window, and then crept inAs quiet as a mouse.
He looked around for a place to hide,'Till the folks were all asleep,
Then said he, "With their moneyI'll take a quiet sneak."So under the bed the burglar crept;He crept up close to the wall;He didn't know it was an old maid's roomOr he wouldn't have had the gall.
He thought of the money that he would steal,
As under the bed he lay;But at nine o'clock he saw a sightThat made his hair turn gray.
At nine o'clock the old maid came in;"I am so tired," she said;She thought that all was well that nightSo she didn't look under the bed.
She took out her teeth and her big glass eye,
And the hair from off her head;The burglar, he had forty fitsAs he watched from under the bed.
From under the bed the burglar crept,
He was a total wreck;The old maid wasn't asleep at allAnd she grabbed him by the neck.
She didn't holler, or shout or call,
She was as cool as a clam;She only said, "The Saints be praised,
At last I've got a man!"From under the pillow a gun she drew,
And to the burglar she said,"Young man, if you don't marry me,
I'll blow off the top of your head!"She held him firmly by the neck,
He hadn't a chance to scoot;He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye,
And said, "Madam, for Pete's sake, shoot!"
One day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE." It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him.
When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, "I'm looking for LOVE." The policeman arrested her on the spot.
Q: What is the difference between a cello and a coffin? A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
A businessman comes home from work, and before he can even say anything to his wife, she greets him with a deep, passionate kiss. Then she pulls him into the bedroom, pushes him down on the bed, unzips his fly and shows him a great time. Afterward, he stares fondly at her, then asks, "All right, what did you do to the car this time?"
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.
What do you get if you cross a bottle of water with an electric eel?
A bit of a shock really!
I heard that if you play the Windows NT 4.0 CD backwards, you'll get a satanic message. But the most frightening thing is that if you play it forward, it installs NT 4.0!
I hope you're not one of those pupils who spends all day on the Net and doesn't get any exercise.
Oh, no, miss, I often sit around watching TV and not getting exercise either.
One day Johnny was at church and ask the priest may I go to the bathroom, the priest said. "Yes you may." Johnny left and headed for the woods. He found a big tree and crouched down to take a dump. Meanwhile, the priest went looking for him in the woods. Johnny heard the priest coming, wiped his butt with a leaf and pulled his pants up. Johnny then took his hat off and put it on top of the poop. The priest saw him and said, "What do you got underneath there?" Johnny hesitated and said, " The fastest bird in the world." The priest said, "Oh yeah, let`s see." "Ok" Johnny said, "On the count of 3, when I take the hat off, I want you to grab the bird." "1 - 2 - 3." Johnny pulled the hat away and the priest grabbed the poop. "WOW, that bird is so fast it left the poop behind" said Johnny.