A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor forwhat seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane.
About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again.
Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pullsthat cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to noavail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the airwith him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, theskydiver - by this time scared out of his wits - yells, "Hey, do you knowanything about skydiving?"The other guy yells back, "Fuck no! Do you know anything about lighting gasstoves?"
A guy rings work and says "I can`t come in to work today as I`m sick"The voice at the other end asks "How sick are you ??"The guy says "Well I`m in bed with my 12 year old son !!"
Male secretary : "Feel free to use my dictaphone." New blonde employee : "No thanks, I'll just use my finger like everyone else."
Whats the difference between your wife and your job? After 10 years, the job still sucks.
A dentist friend of mine had a T-shirt which said on the front: Let me put my tool in your mouth... and on the back: ...and I will fill your cavity.
There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.
Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself."What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty."Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"
Wife comes home to find the old man shagging the dog in the front room. "My God Henry", she screams, "I know you've had other woman but this time you've gone too far!" "You may be right" he says, "I think I'm stuck."
A guy waiting at the bus stop wearing chains, leather jaket, and leather pants and his hair in long spikes each a different color. An old man at the bus stop looked and looked at the guy, finally, the guy said to the old man: "haven't you ever done anything crazy and wild in your life" and the old man said "yah, I have, I once made it with a peacock and I was wondering if your my son"
While attending a spelling session in school one day,
The teacher asked if anyone could spell the word DUMB?
Darla raises her hand and says "I can, I can"The teacher replies, "OK, go ahead Darla..."Darla replies..."D-U-M-B"The teacher replies, "very good", and "can you use that word in a sentence?"Darla replies, "Sure, Buckwheat is very DUMB."The teacher replies, "OK, well can anyone spell the word STUPID?"Again, Darla raises her hand, and the teacher replies, "OK, go ahead Darla."Darla replies, "S-T-U-P-I-D"The teacher replies "very good", and "can you use that word in a sentence?"Darla replies, "Sure, Buckwheat is very STUPID."The teacher replies, "OK, well lets continue, can anyone spell the word DICTATE?"No one raises their hand, so the teacher asks Buckwheat if he can spellthe word DICTATE?
Buckwheat replies, "Sure, D-I-C-T-A-T-E"The teacher replies, "very good Buckwheat," and "can you use that wordin a sentence?"Buckwheat replies, "Sure I can." "I may be DUMB and I may be STUPID, but Darla says my DICTATE good."
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
A 90 year man finally gets to see a Dr. and the dr. asks him what the problem is, the man says he wants the Dr. to lower his sex drive. The Dr. is taken aback a bit but finally asks the man, just how old are you? The man answers I am 90. The Dr., still a little confused says you are 90, and you want your sex drive lowered? Yes said the man, it's all in my head and I want you to lower it.
My girlfriend told me to give her 12 inches and make ithurt!..................
So I Fucked her 3 times and then hit her with a baseball bat.
Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache."I've got a beaut cure for a headache," said his mate Trev. "Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails."A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache cure," asked Trev. "Yeah said Phil, worked great! Your house is nice, too!"
What is the anagram of Santa? Check, it is interesting!
Why did your sister keep running around her bed ?
Because she was trying to catch up with her sleep.
Do you know the difference in sugar and Sweet-n-Low????
Sugar is when you kiss her on the lips!
Q: Whats the difference between purple and pink?
A: The grip.
for you girls...
Why is 88 better than 69?
You get 8 twice.
What is the most insensitive part of a penis? - The man
Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.
A man goes to a doctor and says:"Doctor, it's embarassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.""Gee, what are you taking for it?""Snuff."
What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A cock that stays up all night.
Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
A: When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.
What's the definition of a virgin?an ugly third grader
Definition of bad lover:An earthquake occurs during sex. Afterwards he asks the woman if she felt the earth move. She says no.
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a womanbeside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. Theyare both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft asyour breast, I know you'll forgive me."She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
Q: What do you call a blonde that can suck a golfball through a water hose?
Two postmen are on break having a cigarette. While on this break one postman says "Hey look at that snail". The other postman looks down and says "FUCK" and step steps on the snail. Postman 1 looks at him and says "Why'd you do that". Postman2 replys "Because that fucker has been following me all day."
A young hillbilly couple gets married and heads up to the cabin on top of the hill for their honeymoon. About an hour later, the groom comes down the hill alone and walks up to his father, who was rocking in the chair, in the porch. His father asks: "Where`s your bride, son?" " I shot her paw,"replied the son. " Why did you do that, son?," the father asked. "She was a virgin paw," the son replied. "You done right son, if she wasn`t good enough for her own people, she ain`t good enough for us".
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.
After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment."I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all.""Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her.
Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times."If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"
Recipe for Banana Bread Ingredients: 2 Laughing Eyes 2 Loving Arms 2 Well Shaped Legs 2 Firm Milk Containers 1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl 2 Large Nuts 1 Large Banana Method: 1. Look into Loving Eyes. 2. Fold in Loving Arms. 3. Spread Well Shaped Legs. 4. Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger. 5. Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed. 6. Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief. Cake done when Banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and don't lick the bowl. N.
B. If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.
A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight." He says, "Why's that?" She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes."
Men are like cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast. He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me." She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204."
Once a person saw Santa and Banta. Santa was digging a hole and Banta was filling it. Then they did the same act and kept repeating it. The man came to them and asked what they were doing. Santa Banta replied that they were doing their duty by digging and filling the holes and the man who plants trees was absent that day. Source:Rahul Verma Email:firstname.lastname@example.org
Q: Did you hear the slogan for the the new "Stealth Condom?"A: "They'll never see you coming."
Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
A: One's a phony buck.
A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex. "Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!"But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing."Well, err.... if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration... yeah, that's it, it's artificial respiration!""WOW!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next!"
A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says "Open wide." "I can't" replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms."
What's the difference between condoms and coffins?
They both hold something stiff but one's coming andone's going!