There were two people having sex in a car. They finished upand the guy thew the comdom out the window. His girlfriend gotmad at him she wanted to go again. So he got out of the carand went to find the condom. He found that a little boy had found it and when he asked forit back the boy refused. "C'mon" he begged, "I'll give u a dollar." "Well," little boy thought, "Okay."So the little boy ran home. "Mom, you'll never guess what justwhat just happened! I sold this guy a twinky for a dollar, but Itricked him. I sucked the cream out of it first!"
Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!
The morning after their honeymoon night, Julie says to herhusband, "you know, You're really a lousy lover!"Her husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"
What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?
Why do you go to bed?
Because the bed will not come to you.
A young boy asked his mother "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied by his mother The young boy answered " The other day, Daddy wastalking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."
A small boy walks into his mothers room and catches her topless."Mummy, mummy, what are these?" he says, pointing to her breasts."Well, son," she says, "these are balloons, and when you die,they inflate and float you up to heaven."Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes offquite satisfied.
Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes intothe kitchen."Mummy, mummy, Aunt Mary is dying!"What do you mean? says his mother.
Well she's in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both herballoons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling"God, I'm coming! I'm coming!!!"
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands directly nextto the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating her snack cake. Thebarber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."She says, "I know. I'm gonna get boobs too."
Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint? A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. Iget wet before you do. What am I?
Q: What's a real mate?
A: Someone who'll go into town, get two head jobs and gives you one?.when he returns.
A beautiful young woman marries this seventy year old bloke for his money. On their wedding night she joyfully jumps into bed and he holds up five fingers."Oh darling!" she squeals with delight, Does that mean five times?""No", says the old fellow, "it means that you can pick one out."
There were three brothers who bought a three story house. The eldest brother had the top floor, the middle had the middle floor, and the youngest got the bottom floor.
A little while after they moved in, the eldest brother brought over his girlfriend. During that night, the two younger brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.
The next morning, the younger brothers asked their brother what the noise they'd heard last night was. He replied, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl."The middle brother was excited by that, so he brought over his girlfriend the next night. During that night, the two other brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.
The eldest and youngest asked him what the noise in his room last night was. He replied, "Click- turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl."Now, the youngest brother was really excited. So he brought over his girlfriend, and that night, the older brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
In the morning, the older brothers asked him what the noise in his room was. So, he said, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-landed on the bedpost!
Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.
What two things in the air will get a women pregnant? Her legs.
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses heron the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you."To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey, I love you, too."
A Marine walks in the restroom and sees a Sailor standing at the urinal, fussing with the thirteen buttons on his pants. The Marine says, "It must be a pain in the ass to have to mess with all those buttons every time you have to pee." The sailor replies, "Yes it is! If I were a Marine, all I d have to do is take off my hat."
Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you ever get to feeling horny?""Yes,"her friend replied. "What do you do about it?""I usually suck on a Lifesaver."After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do you go to?"
This old lady was complaining to her friend about a little problem she had with vaginal itch. Her friend suggested that maybe she had an STD. The old lady replied "that's impossible because I am a virgin". To solve the problem the old lady went to the doctor for check up. After the exam the doctor said: " I have good news and bad news, thegood news is that you are clean of all STD'S. The bad news is that you have fruit flies because your cherry is rotten"
Old Chinese proverb:Rape impossible!
Woman with skirt up run faster than man with trousers down!
A group of cowboys were branding some cattle. While they were out the cooksaw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that nights dinner hecooked it. That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking andignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked, "Did I screw up thecooking..." "No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."
Winnie-the-Pooh is eating a roll. Piglet arrives.- Give me some roll, Winnie!- It's not a roll, it's a bun.- Give me some bun, Winnie!- It's not a bun, it's a bap.- Give me some bap, Winnie!- Get lost, you pig! Stop being such a pain in the neck! You can't even make up your mind!
What dog loves to take bubble baths ?
A shampoodle !
On a very cold night, a young man dropped into the localbrothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait.""But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now.""Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs.""Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room."So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one ofthe staff and, after looking for a place to consummatethe transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. Butit's a very cold night, and they freeze to death andfall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over,staggers to the door, and knocks."Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!""I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tellyou that your sign fell down."
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playinglike they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband hashis lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no,"you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.
The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was great,"the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
Why is sex like a game of bridge? -You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
One day a housewife was going about the usual business of cleaning the house, when she suddenly felt intensely horny. Unfortunately, her husband was still at work, so she resorted to stripping off all her clothes and started to masturbate.
She got very excited, rubbing herself and moaning, and when her husband walked in, she was writhing in the middle of the living room floor.
He glanced through the mail and said to his wife, "Honey, when you're finished vacuuming the floor, could you get started on dinner?"
A man and his wife were supposed to go to a costume party together one Halloween, but when the time came to go the party, the woman told him to go on without her, because she said she had a terrible headache. The man reluctantly did, and the suspicious wife decided to see just how faithful her man really was. She put on a different costume and went to the party. When she got there she saw her husband dancing with a young girl in a sexy costume. Now, even more suspicious, she decided to really put him to the test. She danced with him and whispered that they should sneak into a bedroom. She insisted they leave the masks on and had sex with him. Fuming, she ran home to wait for his return. When he got there, she innocently asked if he'd had fun. He told her he hadn't. After a few minutes at the party, he and some guys had gone across the street to play poker. He added, "The guy who borrowed my costume said he had a hell of a time, though!"
Q: What are the small bumps around a woman s nipples for? A: It's Braille for 'Suck here.'
What's green and smells like pig? - Kermit's fingers.
How do you re-sleeve a prostitue? - Put a leg of ham up her snatch and pull the bone out.
A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip.
Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visaapplication. The border official look s over his shoulder,and sees the tourist trying to write 'Twice a week' intothe small space labeled 'SEX'. The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what wemean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'." "Doesn't matter," the tourist answers.
Q: What do you call two blondes in a canoe?
A: Fur traders.
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stopdrinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught mehow to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, evenhow to invest in the stock market.""Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarkedhis friend."I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
Two bikers were talking at a bar."How's married life?" asks the first."It's fine," says the second."How's the sex?" asks the first."Fine," says the second, "At least I don't have to wait in line!"
Don was looking for a little "action." He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac. After six times, she was screaming for more. After the *eighth* time, Don told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.
On the way out, he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find his dick. After a couple of minutes of "fishing around," he finally said, "Look, it's ok. She's not here!"
After their love-making session the young bride asks her husband "Wasmaking love to me really the same as making love to Marilyn Monroe?""Yes, she's dead to!""Was making love to me really the same as makinglove to Marilyn Monroe?""Yes, she's dead to!"
Why do they put strings on tampons?
So you can floss after you eat!
A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to amarriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning andlistening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug.
He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least oncea day!"The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you wantme to bring her back tomorrow?"