A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast. He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me." She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204."
Once a person saw Santa and Banta. Santa was digging a hole and Banta was filling it. Then they did the same act and kept repeating it. The man came to them and asked what they were doing. Santa Banta replied that they were doing their duty by digging and filling the holes and the man who plants trees was absent that day. Source:Rahul Verma Email:email@example.com
Q: Did you hear the slogan for the the new "Stealth Condom?"A: "They'll never see you coming."
Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
A: One's a phony buck.
A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex. "Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!"But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing."Well, err.... if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration... yeah, that's it, it's artificial respiration!""WOW!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next!"
A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says "Open wide." "I can't" replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms."
What's the difference between condoms and coffins?
They both hold something stiff but one's coming andone's going!
Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
Q: What is a bellybutton for? A: It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.
When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physicianexamined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery. The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery."How long will he be on crutches?" she asked. "Crutches???" the doctor asked "Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
A bus stops and this old lady gets off and complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed, and the driver thinks nothing of it; the bus comes to another stop and another old lady gets off and complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed and the driver thinks nothing of it, then the bus comes to another stop and this old man gets off and says to the driver "I lost my taupe and thought I found it twice then realized mine is parted down the side, and the two I saw were parted down the middle!"
Q: WHY ARE BLONDES LIKE PIANOS?
A: When they aren't upright, they're grand.
Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.
A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with. Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.
The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his expierence. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy. he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because men fake foreplay.
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMANCaress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, humor, stimulate, stroke, console, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,entertain,sacrifice for, charm, fascinate, attend, trust, grovel, defend, coax, brag about, understand, clothe, respect, entertain, kill for, commit, snuggle, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MANShow up naked ..... and bring beer.
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around herapartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized oneson a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddybears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in theafterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize
One day there were 10 would-be Catholic priests, going through the tests that would make them ministers. The final test required them to all strip butt-naked and standin a row with little bells attached to their ding-dongs, facing a beautiful naked woman. Well, lo and behold one of the bells went off, but when it did, it fell to the ground. As soon as its owner bent over to pick it up, all the 9 remaining bells sounded at once.
Yup. Nine more ordained priests added to the Catholic Church.
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do. The blonde did so and competely duffed the shot. The pro said "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard - grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis." The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway. The pro said "That was excellent! Let's try it again only this time take the club out of your mouth."
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in aManhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work forhim as his valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in thearmy," the general said. "Nothing to it - you'll catch on again fast."Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general'sbedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode aroundthe other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said,"OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."
A man takes his 10 year old daughter to the doctor.
He says "Doctor, I want to put her on the pill."The Doctor says "Why?!? Is she sexually active?"The guy says "Nah, she just lies there like her mother."Sent by soh
Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.
Have you heard about the new Mechanical Whore? -She gives a licking and keeps on ticking.
Mom: Joe, time for your medicine. Joe: I'll run the bath then.
Mom: Why? Joe: Because on the bottle it says "to be taken in water."
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie wentstraight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmotherand comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years oldhaving sex would surely be asking for trouble."Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advancedage, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells wouldstart to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
Did u know that a condom had a serial number? No, I never had to unroll one that far.
I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.
A truck driver breaks down and shortly another trucker stops to givehim hand. He notices that the first driver has a big red spot paintedon his dash and asks him what it's for. He replies "Oh that's aconversation piece for when I pick up female hitchhikers. I get lotsof pussy that way" The other driver thinks that's a great idea so hepaints a red spot on his dash too. Then he sees a girl hitchhiking sohe picks her up. She notices the red spot on the dash and asks himwhat it's for. He says "It's a conversation piece. You wanna fuck?"
Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken.
What do you call foreplay in Alabama? 'Hey sis, you awake?'
A Ken and Barbie Joke: Why does Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always comes in a box!
Robot: I have to dry my feet carefully after a bath. Monster: Why? Robot: Otherwise I get rusty nails.
Q. What do you call 1,000 heavily armed lesbians?
A. Militia Etheridge
One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senate trial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up on shore. Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and behold a genie popped out."Greetings, Miss Lewinsky," the genie said. "Since you have released me, I will grant you one wish.""Well," Monica replied, "I'm going to be on television alot for a while, and I want to look my best. I wish you would get rid of these love handles.""Your wish is my command," said the genie. A wave of his hands, a puff of smoke...
And her ears promptly fell off.
A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spotoverlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple insidewith the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver'sseat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seatcalmly knitting.
He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man lookedup, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?""What are you doing?" the policeman asked."What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm readingthis magazine."Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer thenasked, "And what is she doing?"The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she'sknitting a sweater."Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?""I'm nineteen," he replied."And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelveminutes she'll be eighteen."
Shall I tell you the joke about the bed? No, because it hasn't been made up yet.
Two friends met after a long time, and chatted about what´s been going on since they last met. One of them had a new girlfriend and the other one asked about her cooking, her relation to his folks etc. etc. and finally asked "How is she in bed?" First guy replies "She´s fantastic, she sucks like a real man!"
Q: How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.