Why do Black widow spiders kill there mates after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts..
These two sperm were swimmin' around, doin' their thing and one sperm asks the other...
Hey, are we almost there??? Is this the fallopian tube??? Sperm #2 says "Naaaa this is still the esophagus".
How can you shorten a bed?
Don't sleep long in it.
Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
A: They're both filled with stiffs, one's coming, one's going.
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman.
After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!" "Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."
What's the definition of a real loser?
A guy who has a wet dream and gets HIV.
Q: How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead?
A: She unties you.
How long does it take for a woman to orgasm? Who cares?
A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."
Why are condoms like cameras? -they both capture the moment.
A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well, without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't). A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company does business. For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time. As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun. Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.
The limousine was taking the beautiful raven-haired model to the airport.
Halfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said, "Driver, I don't have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?" The driver said, "Sure." He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked, "Do you want a screwdriver?" He said "Sure! But, first I have to change this tire."
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It'sreally taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home- made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. "Would you like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry? That would only take a couple of minutes." He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm starving!"
Why is sex like money in the bank?
Because when you withdraw, you lose interest.
Sent by Annette
A girl gets a tatoo of Santa Claus on one thighand a turkey on the other. She wants to show thatthere is something good to eat in betweenThanksgiving and Christmas.
An old couple in an old folks home are having an affair, nothing much they just sit watching TV late at night while the old woman holds the old mans dick. Then suddenly the old man ends the affair because of another woman. The old woman's distraught and yells, "WHAT'S THIS OTHER WOMAN GOT THAT I HAVEN'T!" The old man smiles and says, "Parkinson's disease"
Q: Why is a blonde like Australia?
A: They're both down under, and no one cares.
How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed ?
When your nose touches the ceiling !
May: What position does your brother play in the school football team ?
Jay: I think he's one of the drawbacks !
What are three words you dread the most while making love?"Honey, I'm home."
One day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall. While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up to look over, and there was little Jimmy, sitting on the toilet masturbating.
The priest was shocked. He told Jimmy that he knew what he was doing in there and that he should save it for marriage.
Little Jimmy agreed to this only because it was coming from a priest. About a week later the priest ran into Jimmy at the mall and asked him how he was doing with his problem.
Jimmy replied "Great father, I've saved a whole quart!"
These two old men are in a nursing home. They're talking and realize that it's been years since they have had sex. So they sneak out and go to the closest whorehouse. Once inside they go to the Pimp and ask for the two best girls. The Pimp thought "I'm not going to waste my two best girls on these guys I'll just give them inflatable women. They are old and they won't know the difference." Once the old men finish they leave. On their way back they start talking. The first guy said, " I think mine was dead she didn't move or anything." The second guy said I think mine was a witch because when I nibbled on her neck she farted and flew out the window."
What kind of bath can you take without water?
A sun bath.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton, and the Titanic ??
It is known how many went down on the Titanic.
A young man took a girl out to dinner and a show. They got along verywell, and when he asked her if she would like to come up to his apartmentfor a drink she agreed. After they were at the apartment a while, heasked if he could give her an old fashioned kiss. Her reply was "At atime like this you want me to change positions?"
How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? Phone her.
*ring* *ring*"Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated, "Hello?""I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom," a male voice whisperedhuskily, "...undress you, lick you from head to toe and make love to you untilmorning.""Geez," the woman replied, "you can tell all that from two hello's?"
Q: What's the worst thing about being a paedophile?
A: Having to go to bed so early!
The horny midget found that the best way to make time with women was to be direct about it. So he went up to the tallest blondest woman at the party and said,"Hey, honey, whaddaya say to a little fuck?" She looked down at him and promptly replied, "Hello, you little fuck!"
What's the difference between white onions, brown onions and a 30 centimeterdick?
Nothing.... They all make your eyes water.
This bloke went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said, "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?""Well, I've got a hardon, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied.
Back in the '70s, days of conspicuous (ahem) consumption, Hugh Hefner was showing a friend around the Playboy Mansion. At one point, Hefner turned to his friend, and said, "Did you ever hear this joke? A woman receives flowers from her boyfriend. She turns to her friend, and says, `Oh, great. Now I'll have to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air.' `Why?' says her friend. `Don't you have a vase?'" They laugh, and then Hefner opens a door with a flourish. Inside, women are reclining on couches, naked as jaybirds, with flowers protruding from their vaginas. Hefner and his friend have another laugh and are flirting with the girls when suddenly, from the next room, there is a bloodcurdling shriek!"What was that?" starts Hefner's friend. "Oh, probably just the umbrella stand..."
Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years. I wonder how the girls are doing?"
What's the difference between a Geneologist and a Gynecologist?
A Geneologist looks up your family tree, and a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Did you know Sex is a crime?
Its a misdemeanor - The more I miss de meaner I get..
Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life. One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way thru a fence, with its butt facing the tavern. One drunk says he sure wishes that sheep were Marilyn Monroe. The other says, "I just wish it were dark."
A male market researcher was calling on homes on behalf of Vaseline. A woman answered the door."Do you use Vaseline?" asked the researcher. "Certainly," she said. "It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns." "And what about anything else?" he asked. "Like what?" He became embarrassed. "Well, sex, maybe." Oh, of course." she said. "I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out."
Q: What's the most active muscle in a woman?
A: The penis.
Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? - You have to wait an hour for a three minute ride